Double Practice

Arrived a little late both days, but both days in time to finish the warmup. Good mix of drills and scrimmages, mostly D vs O, I'm working on my game. Strange to think how my priorities in practice have changed. Trying to take matchups that challenge me, but are within a kind of comfort zone--there are often the players I feel motivated to stop. At tournaments I have to find that drive in other ways, but it helps to feel what that feels like at practice. Then I can't be content with telling myself my guy got the disc because somebody else failed to do their job. It's like when I complete all my passes on offense, get open on my cuts but get looked off, and somebody else throws the (dumb) turnover--yes, that's an opportunity to lay blame and resent my team/mates. But digging deeper, there's almost always something I could have done better to prevent that turnover, prevent my guy from getting the disc. Maybe not reasonable expectations to have of myself, but how else am I going to play like I need to play. There are just certain people who you hate to let beat you, and those are the ones I want to cover. Or have covering me after we get the disc.

Sometimes I worry that the personalities of certain teammates will influence the way I interact with this and other teams I play for. I wonder whether I will be like them when I get older. I wonder whether it's intentional, whether they think they're going to make me play better. I wonder whether it does. I've long believed that I'm more of an interior player--that the way I play is not dependent on being demonstrably "fired-up" or visibly angry. I dislike when people shove in huddles, trying to get their teammates "fired-up." When people told me it helps to get angry on defense, I always sort of mistrusted that in the back of my mind. Maybe it's true, but I don't think there are limits to how true it is. I also don't believe there's only one way to be angry, to be over-the-top violent and shaking. Either way, I often feel that those people trying to get on my case, get on my nerves, get under my skin, are wasting their breath. Throwing stones from glass houses. I think their energy is misguided. But then I have to remember that that doesn't matter, because there is an underlying truth to what they say--regardless of the particular circumstances and whether or not their criticism is in that moment justifiable.

Would I prefer a more even mix of breaking-me-down and building-me-up? Yes. Would that make me play better than I do now? Maybe. Does that matter? No. I have to find it.