Defense

aka, a lesson in failure.

Pike went 1-6 at the Boston Invite. Given my place on the team, a tryout yet, I'll limit the thoughts I share to how I felt this past weekend. I felt ready to step up to the challenge of making myself a member of the team, something I had been looking forward to after weeks of rest and several missed team events--CUT and two practices. I was dealing with the anxieties brought up by my recent absences, quieting my mind and really just trying to prepare myself as much as I could with the little time I had. I was especially looking forward to playing on offense with separate O and D lines--I've struggled in the past--in college especially--with being limited to only offense, but being told ahead of time allowed me to embrace that opportunity. It came as a small shock on Saturday morning, then, when the D-line captain told me I had been switched.

Immediately, I was off-balance. I started thinking about how I have struggled on defense, how it was always pointed out as my biggest weakness, how I had missed two practices worth of Pike's defense. I feel confident that I can fit into an offense even without practicing it extensively, just by virtue of having some experience with different looks and knowing some sound offensive principles. I know how to cut to space and create it, I know our team emphasizes possession, I have concentrated on improving my mental focus on offense all year to be more conservative with the shots I take. I have always felt like an O player who maybe wanted to be a D-line handler someday, when I am good enough. I knew that this tournament was my last chance this season to prove myself worthy of a spot on Pike, and I felt the pressure of not having attended CUT/etc. I wondered whether the team leadership was doing it to me on purpose, to see whether I could play defense--that perhaps I had shown enough promise on O that all I had to do now was show I was not a defensive liability. The long and short of it is that I was pushed outside of my comfort zone, and immediately faced with self-doubt.

I made it my job to push past that, but I began to feel more as time went on that I was nowhere near as prepared for stopping club open offense as I had to be to earn a spot on Pike--certainly not a spot on the D line. I did not feel especially out of shape in terms of my top speed, but my sprint endurance has suffered greatly from my injury and subsequent rest. I have not been practicing, and so my ability to triangulate and stay in good defensive position was not even close to 100%, and all of this just fed into the mental garbage that was coming up for me. I never felt like I was able to get into a rhythm because we were playing a lot of offense, and I was only called in for maybe 30-40% of the D points we had. I saw the O-line suffering at times, especially against zones, and this made it even worse--I believe zone offense is one of my strengths, and felt I could have contributed much more positively and directly on the O team.

Despite all this, I knew it was important to take it on as a challenge. I ate up the advice that the veterans had for me--especially Ellis'--and tried to implement it when I was able to get back on the field. I felt I improved over the course of the tournament, but not consistently and not by much--I started playing better dump defense, got a better idea of how to play zone, and eventually found myself more comfortable while chasing in our 1-3-3 zone, but still got beat far too much by cutters in man D. To make matters worse, when we were able to force a turn, I was a little out-of-place. I felt like some of my teammates did not trust me, looked off my good cuts and only saw the times when I couldn't get open. I was out of practicing making handler cuts and the few deep shots I took, while good choices, were never completed--two were flat space throws slightly out of bounds, and one was blady and too far. I scored a couple points, but was nowhere near satisfied--especially because our D-line's offense was something that struggled already and we really needed the breaks each game, often finding ourselves behind by only a few.

So I failed, failed, and failed, but kept trying to succeed, to improve. I did feel like I covered the pulls very well, was often the first or second one down, and wondered how that could be possible. There were a few points when I did move the disc well, even one against Bhodi where I felt like I shredded the defense and worked it all the way up--then hucked it to an open receiver when I had run out of real estate, and my flat put sailed out the back. Throughout all of this, though, I kept my energy up and tried to be a strong presence on the sideline, encouraging my teammates on the field and off. There were times when I watched more than yelled, but I never sat down for more than a moment while the action was live.

Overall, the tournament was a good experience. I realize that in order to compete at this level, the level I am actively seeking, I will be constantly outside of my comfort zone, and need to be comfortable outside it. That will take time, effort, and tenacity. The tenacity I have, the effort I am ready to expend, but since January I have felt that there is no time to wait. Aside from the few weeks I took off for my injury to heal, there is no time when I am not pushing forward, learning and pushing further. No time to think, next year it will be better. It has to be better this point, this cut, this decision. It isn't easy, and I will continue to fail, but I'm not trying out for Pike because I want to win easy. I want to learn from this team, become better, and make it better as well--to be constantly reaching. And then bring that reach to Rutgers.